From Sourdough to Vince Lombardi to Yoga ….and Back

It was time to put my first ever sourdough loaf in the oven. “Here goes”, I said to myself. “Will it be a success or a fail?” A pretty normal thought. You might even have had the same thought.  

What did I mean by “a fail”? Failure has different meanings. Some say failure is not trying. As long as you attempt something you succeed. To others, failure is a step along the way to success. Or an opportunity to learn from a mistake. These make sense, but they weren’t how I defined failure. It was a matter of winning and losing. Failure meant I lost and needed to try harder or figure out a better way. And never quit. Must’ve been my highly competitive nature.

I started playing hockey when I was about six years old. My first coach made me play goalie all season because I was one of the weaker skaters. I didn’t like playing goalie. So I went to my friend’s backyard rink almost every day and practiced my skating. I was third in the league in scoring the next year.

When I coached our kids’ teams I’d say “It doesn’t matter if you win or lose as long as you have fun”. I said it because that’s what I was supposed to say. But in my mind I heard Vince Lombardi saying “Winning isn’t everything. It’s the only thing.” 

It wasn’t that I liked to win so much. It was that I didn’t like to lose. My only opponent was myself. My goal was always to be the best I could possibly be. It still is. When I lost it meant I could have done better. 

My thinking started to change when I was in my thirties. I didn’t realize it at the time. It’s only recently I’ve begun to think about the role my competitive nature plays in my life. It’s part of my DNA. It helps me achieve my goals. But there are times it yields no benefits and creates unnecessary pressure. If that’s the case, who needs it? There’s already enough pressure in life.

I can usually tell when my competitive nature is kicking into action because I feel a tightening in my stomach. That’s good to know. But how do I know if I should let it run or have it sit down? I’m not sure. It’s something I’m working on.

I’ve started by looking at past experiences. I began running in my teens because I wanted to win the decathlon like Bruce Jenner. You can’t say I didn’t dream big. Putting pressure on myself to run farther and faster led to injuries my first few years. I had to take a few months off each year to recover. I missed running. But I learned I could only push my body so far. I decided running wasn’t going to be about winning or losing. It was going to be about fun. I run a lot less now, but I enjoy it so much more. 

Then came yoga. Yoga presented the ultimate challenge because there’s always room for improvement. But I quickly learned there are many poses I’ll never be able to do even if everyone else in the class can do them. And I’ll never have the perfect yoga mindset every minute of every day. So I altered my approach. I still keep one eye on my physical and mental progress to make sure I’m headed in the right direction, but I accept what my body and mind give me without judgment. And I love my practice.  

My definition of failure has expanded. Some things are better enjoyed when they’re not made to be about winning or losing.

 
We’re all programmed to think and behave certain ways. My competitive nature is just one of my “apps”. It’s good to have when I need it, but it doesn’t need to be running all the time. I’ll use it when I need it and close it when I don’t. I must have other internal “apps” hiding inside my mind, too. Thinking or behaviour that could be modified. I’ll be looking for them. If I can update the apps on my phone so they work properly, I can take the time to make sure my thinking and behaviour are working optimally, too. 

The sourdough came out pretty well, by the way. Although not perfect. I’ve been doing some research into how to make it better, but I’m not stressed about it. 

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