My Code

Did you watch Dexter? He worked in forensics for the Miami Police Department. In his spare time he killed criminals who escaped justice. He used his code to determine if he should kill someone. My code is nothing like that.

I watched a movie called Breaker Morant when I was a teenager. A line in the movie has had a big influence on how I’ve lived my life. The line is Live every day as if it were your last because one day you are sure to be right.

I think about that line almost every day. I don’t interpret it literally. I’m too conservative for that. I use it mostly as a reminder to live well. And sometimes I’ll use it to justify doing what I want to do – like when I tell myself to go golfing instead of doing a chore.

To me living well means staying healthy, being the person I want to be, spending time with the people closest to me and doing the things I love. I equate living well with happiness so I can tell how well I’m living by how happy I’m feeling.

[Side note: If you’re thinking about what living well means for you, don’t compare yourself to others. Focus on what makes YOU happy. And think about the PRESENT because things change over time. I try to be as happy as I can, but I know I won’t be as happy now as I could’ve been before Cole died. We can only do the best we can with the cards we’ve been dealt.]

One of the things that detracts from my happiness is stress. It makes my nervous system feel off. It prevents me from having the inner peace that allows me to focus entirely on how much I’m enjoying where I am, who I’m with and what I’m doing.

Stress is also bad for my health, which is my foundation for living well. Someone once said A person with good health has a thousand dreams. A person without good health has but one.

So I’ve been thinking about how to calm my system when I feel stress. I’m not talking about a serious health issue or the death of a loved one. I’m talking about the daily stresses we all experience. They don’t overwhelm you. You can go about your day. But you sense their presence. They’re a constant, low-grade distraction (sometimes more).  Like a fly buzzing around the room (sometimes a big fly).

Examples would be when you feel hurt because of something someone said to you. Or you worry about getting to an appointment on time. Or wonder if something you did upset someone. Or you’re concerned about meeting a work deadline. Or how you’re going to juggle family and work obligations.  

It took me a lot of time, but I eventually came up with a way to calm my system. I call it my code. (Figuring this out was a little more time consuming than eating donuts, but it’s better for my health.)

I haven’t been using it very long so I don’t know if it’ll work in all situations, but it’s been helpful so far. Here’s how it works in case you ever feel stressed:

Diagnostic Steps

First, I feel a pit in my stomach. That’s my body’s way of alerting me that my nervous system is off. You may feel it elsewhere. That pit tells me it’s time to use my code.

Second, I look for the cause of the stress. It could be obvious or I might have to ask myself “Was it this or this or this?” and see how my stomach reacts to each one.

Third, I ask if the cause is internal or external. Did I say or do something to cause the stress (internal)? Or was it caused by something outside of me (external)?

These three steps are always the same. They help me determine what to do next because I have a different way of dealing with internal and external stress.

How I deal with external stress

Let’s start with a simple example. I’m stuck in traffic and will be late for an appointment. My first question is whether this is within my control or out of my control. If there are no alternate routes, I’m stuck. The situation is out of my control. I tell myself there’s no sense getting stressed about something over which I have no control. My stress goes down. If there’s an alternate route that’ll get me to my appointment on time, the situation is within my control. I take the other route and my stress goes away.

Most of the stresses I feel are caused by external factors. They’re relatively easy to manage. The key question I ask myself is “Is this within my control or out of my control?”

How I deal with internal stress

Internal stress is a different story. It’s more upsetting to my system. Fortunately, it doesn’t occur nearly as often as external stress.

I feel internal stress when someone is unhappy with me. Most often because I unknowingly said or did something to upset them. Or it could be they just don’t like me.

Why do I care if someone is unhappy with me? Because I want to be accepted and liked. I’m sensitive to what other people think of me. I don’t want to hurt anyone. I don’t like to make mistakes. [The secret is out. I’m human. Feel free to share.]

When I upset someone, I ruminate about it and ask myself “Did I do something wrong? Should I apologize? How mad are they? How long will they stay mad?” The closer my relationship to them, the more stress I feel. Sometimes my mind even goes down what I call the spiral of doom and I ask myself “What if they never talk to me again?”  

When I catch myself going down the spiral of doom, I remember what Mark Twain said: I’ve had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened. If someone decides to stop talking to me, fine. I’ll survive. But the people closest to me aren’t going to abandon me so that’s not a legitimate worry. Besides, I have no control over what they do.

Internal stress is the fly buzzing around my room. I could be doing something I love, but in the back of my mind I’ll be thinking about my stress. Or I might wake up in the middle of the night and think about it for a while instead of going back to sleep quickly.

That’s how internal stress makes me feel. Now let’s get back to my code to see how I handle it.

Did I do something wrong?

My first question is “Did I do something wrong?” How do I determine that? By asking myself if what I did is consistent with the person I try to be. As Shakespeare said: To thine own self be true. The test is not whether I upset someone else. It’s whether I was true to myself.

Did I act within my integrity?

How do I define who mine own self is? I look to my personal Ten Commandments. Except there aren’t ten and they aren’t chiseled in stone. They reside in my square of integrity.

Acting within my integrity means being the person I want to be. Which is all that matters. Glennon Doyle said: Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself.

Cue the burning bush, these are my Commandments:

• Be a good person.
• Treat others the way I want to be treated.
• Act with compassion and kindness.
• Spread positivity.
• Make it a better day for everyone with whom I come into contact, even if it’s only a small gesture like opening a door or sharing a smile.
• Make the world a better place.
• Be honest.
• Always try my best.

If I was a computer, this would be my operating system.

       Acting outside my integrity

When I upset someone, I ask myself if I acted within or outside of my integrity. If I acted outside of my integrity for whatever reason, I admit I did something wrong. I’m only human. I apologize for my wrongdoing and learn from my mistake (hopefully).  

       Acting within my integrity

People don’t often get upset when I act within my integrity, but it happens. I could just tell myself their reaction is out of my control and end it there, but my delicate nervous system requires more calming when this happens because I haven’t done anything wrong. So I came up with a list of calming things to tell myself. Sometimes I use this whole list and sometimes I pick and choose:  

1. I’m happy with who I am and I acted within my integrity.
2. It’s not me. It’s them. People aren’t triggered by what I say or do. They’re triggered by the events of their past that shaped them. It’s impossible for me to know everything that can trigger someone else. I could say the same thing to two different people and get two different reactions.  
3. I’m not responsible for the reactions of other people. They’re responsible for their reactions and I’m responsible for mine.
4. It’s alright to feel badly and apologize for upsetting someone, but I don’t need to apologize for acting within my integrity. As Glennon Doyle said: Your job, throughout your entire life, is to disappoint as many people as it takes to avoid disappointing yourself. (This isn’t a mistake. I like this quote so much I want to repeat it.)
5. I did my best. I can’t ask anything more of myself.
6. I’m the only judge of me that matters. When I act within my integrity, it doesn’t matter what other people say or think.

After I tell myself these things, I let them sink in. Sometimes I need to repeat them more than once. My system usually starts to calm down at this point. The more frequently I use my code, the less activated my system gets and the quicker it recovers. It feels like I’m building up my immunity.  

It may appear that using the code is a long, drawn-out process, but it really isn’t. The brain works very quickly (most of the time). And when I’m able to outsource this to AI, I’ll be able to calm my system even more quickly.

I can’t kick my code into operation at the first sign of stress yet. My natural reaction is to go from feeling stress to negative thoughts. Training my mind to pause and implement the code will take a conscious effort over time. But it’s worth it.

I’m not living a stress-free life now, but my code lessens my stress so I live better. I’m sure I’ll modify it over time. I may even find a better way to calm my system. But for now, my code is with me. Like The Force.  

Namaste. May Your Code be with you.

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Thanks for reading and for sharing your most precious resource, your time, with me.

I can’t take full credit for my code. It does help me deal with stress, but it doesn’t get to the root of the problem, which is why I feel stress in the first place. Why do I care if someone is unhappy with me? I’ve been working on this with an Internal Family Systems therapist. It’s commonly referred to as parts work. She’s been fantastic and I truly couldn’t have done any of this without her help.

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