Us ______ Them

Nope. That isn’t an error in the title. It’s intentional. How would you fill in the blank?

The first thing that pops into my mind is us VERSUS them. Two parties on opposite sides, against each other. I don’t often think of us AND them. Two independent entities who can work together, oppose each other or do their own things.

I actually wrote an entire piece about us VERSUS them a month ago which I didn’t publish. Something didn’t feel right, but I didn’t know what it was until I was out for a slow walk the other day.

The slow walk is something I started doing a few weeks ago. I walk at a very slow pace for 15-30 minutes. I concentrate on keeping my body loose and letting my thoughts come and go freely so both my mind and body are as relaxed as possible. The key for me is the slow pace.

I was thinking about being less judgmental on that slow walk when it suddenly dawned on me – my us VERSUS them way of thinking is what was making me too judgmental. Just to be clear, when I refer to myself as being too judgmental, I’m referring to my thoughts and not my words as I try my best not to voice any judgmental thoughts.

What makes me think I’m too judgmental? There isn’t a universal judgmental standard which I exceed. I might even be less judgmental than most people. But I’m more judgmental than I want to be and that’s all that matters.

In hindsight, there have been a few telltale signs suggesting I’m more judgmental than I want to be. One sign is the knot I get in my stomach when other people are judgmental. We dislike the characteristics in others that we don’t like in ourselves. The knot is my system reminding me I don’t like others being judgmental and, by extension, I don’t like it when I’m judgmental either. Another sign is the answer I give when I ask myself how I can be a better person. It’s frequently that I would like to be less judgmental.

One of the reasons I’m more judgmental than I want to be is my inclination to look at things from an us VERSUS them viewpoint more often than from an us AND them viewpoint.

Us AND them is about exploring the relationship between two entities. It’s a good starting point for being curious and learning. Us VERSUS them encourages us to determine if we require protection. It comes from a place of fear. It can be a confrontational and divisive way of thinking that, by its very nature, incorporates being judgmental. So it comes down to a choice between growth or fear. Positive or negative. How do I want to live my life?

The problem is thinking in an us VERSUS them manner is unavoidable. We’re wired to survive; to be on the lookout for things that could harm or kill us. If you’ve made it this far, thank your ancestors for passing on the genes that allowed you to avoid being killed by a sabre-toothed tiger.

It’s not something that gets turned on or off. It’s always present, operating in the recesses of your mind. It needs to be if you’re going to survive because you never know when a threat will appear and you’ll need to jump into action.

It’s possible I’m more programmed than most to think this way because of who I am and the jobs I’ve had. I’m a very trusting person. If I don’t keep my guard up, it wouldn’t be that difficult for someone to take advantage of me. As a litigation lawyer, I was trained to always ask “What can go wrong here?” And as a Realtor, I have to be on constant guard to protect my clients from the countless harmful things that can happen. It’s no wonder my system is always on red alert.

Although it’s necessary to think in terms of us VERSUS them at times, I don’t want it to hinder me from being the person I want to be. I’d rather approach life with a growth mindset than from a place of danger and fear. Which is why I’m trying to direct my mind to us AND them more frequently.

It’s a very difficult transition. My default has been us VERSUS them for many years.

So far, it feels like there’s a battle in my mind. I first have to stop and notice if I’m thinking in terms of us VERSUS them or us AND them and it’s extremely difficult to be aware of my thoughts as they’re happening. I usually can’t do it. And then, if I’m lucky enough to notice how I’m thinking, I have to ask myself which way of thinking is more appropriate for the situation at hand. Just writing this makes me realize the enormity of this task. But it’s worth the effort if it’ll make me less judgmental.

I do have three things helping me along the way. One is I start with the assumption that people are good until they do something to prove me wrong. My us VERSUS them system is always working to keep me safe, but there’s no need to keep it on red alert all the time by assuming people are bad.

The second is I give the most generous possible interpretation to people’s words and actions. There’s no need to assume the worst unless it’s absolutely necessary.

And the third is to follow Cole’s lead. He always looked for the good in people and accepted them for who they were.

I’ve only just begun this transition and don’t know if I’ll be successful. At times, I feel like I’m going against the way I’m wired and my survival is at risk. But it’s not like I’ve thrown caution to the wind and am crossing the street against the light. I’m moving slowly. Seeing what works and what doesn’t. Taking things one step at a time. Trying to make myself, and the world, a better place.

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